upon waking
You did not have to do anything to be here. You did not have to put in work to come into this life, to be living and breathing with the body, mind, and heart you have. Something bigger than yourself, whatever word or feeling you assign to describe that, must have decided that amongst everything that was to ever exist, you were needed. A higher power, a force, a God or an entity, a Warrior or the Universe, saw within you nothing but perfection. You were seen before your eyes were formed to see. You were heard before your ears were formed to hear. You were so loved, that every conceivable obstacle was thought through to ensure your arrival. A careful plan was laid out for you, against all odds, so that you could be here in all that you were meant to be.
Every day can feel like the same. We wake up tired. Before we take our first few breaths, we have already tangled ourselves in a string of thoughts, pressures, stresses, worries, planning, predicting, and anticipating the day ahead. We press the snooze button and tell ourselves an additional 10 minutes is what we need. Then we will be ready. But we do not feel ready. We feel the day has started without our consent and so our mind starts racing. Thought after thought after thought.
The pattern.
“I do not want to go in to work today. It’s only the start of the week. I’m not prepared for that meeting. How is my boss going to treat me today? It’s going to take me ages to pay off my debt. What am I doing with my life? Will today be the day I feel better? They have it easier. I wish things were different. He has been acting so distant lately. She hasn’t responded to my text even though Messenger shows she has been active. Am I lonely? I just want to be happy. I can’t wait for the weekend. I need a holiday. I feel like I’m drowning. Why does this happen to me?
The practice.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you for letting me have a brain that cares for me and lets me think. Thank you for letting me be able to decide how I want to respond. Thank you for letting me wake up to another day. Thank you for giving me another opportunity to set things right, to follow my pursuits, to challenge myself, to show love to others, to practise speaking with more consideration. To give permission for others to grow. Thank you for letting me breathe without a machine. Thank you for my heart and how it beats so fast sometimes when I am excited or scared. Thank you for letting me feel my sweaty palms when I get nervous. Thank you for letting me have an immune system that cares for me and works so very hard. Thank you that I can eat and swallow my food without any effort. Thank you for my liver and all that I have put it through. Thank you that my digestive system does all it needs to nourish my body without me having to think about it. Thank you for letting me feel the cold on my skin or the rain on my face. Thank you for letting me see how the colours of the sky change across the horizon. Thank you for allowing me to have two feet, with all my toes, so I can balance when taking steps along my path. Thank you for letting me bend my spine backwards and feel the rush of blood to my head. Thank you for letting me have two hands that can caress, explore, communicate, and heal. Thank you for letting me know the beauty of what it feels like to be embraced and held. Thank you for everything that I have gone through and for letting me see that it has all been a lesson. Thank you for being patient and watching me grow. Thank you for your understanding. It has taken me a lot of time to get to where I am. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for this bed that I have woken up in. Thank you for the covers that kept me warm. Thank you for all I see.
Of all the mornings I have been given, I have not said these words on most. And for all the mornings I have left, I may not always feel inclined. My mind will get caught up in old, habitual cycles and I have no doubt there will be times I will choose to press snooze. There may be mornings I wake up feeling small and underserving. There may be mornings I notice myself tangling. But I will promise myself this: I will try. I will try to remember that although I can feel insignificant and unimportant at times, there has always been something bigger and much more profound than me that saw otherwise. I will try to remind myself that before I took my first breath, before each bone in my skeletal system was formed, and before the first cell split, I was thought of, I was planned, I was loved. I will try to remember that although life can be confusing and overwhelming, I am here because I am needed. I may not see the whole picture. I may never truly understand how all the dots connect, but I owe it to myself and everyone that I am connected to, to get up. To try again. To start another day. To say thank you for all that I have and all that is yet to come.
Much love to you,
Annia x